As parents I think we often feel like we have split identities, I knwo this is definitely the case for me and one of the reasons my blog’s name came about. “Mamavsteacher” is all about my struggle to maintain these 2 parts of me – the Mama and the Teacher. I’ve realised though that I have missed about the key bit of my identity – the “me” bit.
The “me” bit is the most neglected part of my being. It’s the part that feels the most tired, the most rundown, the least loved and noticed. When I got a position as a reviewer for OneChicMom, I was asked to tell them about myself. I had no idea how hard that was without refering to Mama stuff or teacher stuff and it made me think long and hard about what I actually do that is for “me”, and the answer was very little. I watch some TV but that is not looking after my core soul and being, and I don’t even have time for much of that. I blog, but that still feels new and doesn’t always come naturally, and since school went back I’ve been have a bit of a blogging block!
I started to think about what “me” used to be, back when I had no committments in my life. It was a giggleing, fancy dress lovely girly girl. I visited friends alot. I did or said silly and ridiculous things, I exercised (running, gym, swimming, classes – I done loads of different things). In my time limited world, I don’t get the opportunity for any of these. Even in conversation, the silly things i say have reduced as I’ve learnt and trained myself that I need to stay on point in order to get everything done and said in short spaces of time. I don’t say any of this for sympathy, I am simply stating the facts and I actually do love spending the time that was previously spent very selfishly, lazily or working hard on Sprog and playing with him. One smile does melt my heart and light up my world.
I know, however, that there is one group of people who can I rely on without a doubt, to pull the “me” bit back from the brink and to nurture, care for and restore it. I get quick fixes every now and then, but sometimes what you need is a great big chunk of girl time!
I needed that time. So a couple of weeks a go this is what I did.
I ate chocolate, drank wine and stayed up late (I mean past midnight late!). I went shopping all day, drank bubbles at lunch time, ate popcorn and spent an hour crossing London to drink some very strong Vodka and lemonade (probably not by old “me” standards, but definitely by Mama standards) and down Vodka jelly shots! I ate bacon sandwiches, saw a friend’s new house and sat and chilled out. I enjoyed the quiet and the grown up conversation. I said silly and riduculous stuff… and I’m back! I am making plans for Christmas and New Year with my girls… and I was desperate to see my boys!
I needed that time with my girls so badly and they successfully pressed the “reset” button on “me”, but times do change and after 2 nights away from my boys, I was so desperate and eager to see them. We had skyped, spoken on the phone and I had received numerous photos of Sprog but it wasn’t the same as being there.
So I’m still struggling to find a balance. My trip to London was a couple of weeks ago now. The “me” side of me is lethargic, feeling a bit battered and pretty damn tired. If only I could make it to sleep before 11 and sleep through for just one night….but that’s a whole different story.