It’s been a weird couple of weeks in my world… Nothing truly horrendous has happened, nothing truly marvellous, nothing remarkably stressful but it’s all just felt a bit much.
I can be an all or nothing kind of a person, a very lazy person or a very motivated person and everything swings in roundabouts.
There have been family health worries; my Grannie not been very well for a long time, she recently spent some time in hospital, and is now in our local hospice but taken it’s toll on the whole family. I find myself worrying about everyone, in particular my lovely mum, but lacking time to do much. I know that some things are more important than work, but it’s very difficult to balance that with when faced with parents evenings, kids who haven’t had their books marked in weeks and year 11’s melting down at the prospect of their mock exams next week.
Interlinked with this came an idea of potentially moving house and buying my Grannie’s house as it is similar in size to our but in a nicer area of town and closer to the school’s that we like the look of for Sprog. Suddenly my head has had to adjust to the idea that moving is not a foreign concept, years down the line, but something that might happen pretty soon. And both our house and the potential new house would require a few tweak’s and bits shining up before anything might happen. I was heavily downtrodden during our first experience of buying a house (6 months of solid looking, 4 offers accepted on 4 different houses and what felt like a lot of stress) and it has made me very anxious about moving ever again!
I’ve also had a new opportunity within my working world pop up, completely unexpectedly (teaching jobs for the following September are not usually advertised this early) but it’s for my old school and an opportunity that I couldn’t miss so a flurry of writer’s block proceeded as I needed to hurriedly write an application for that. An update on this may follow, depending on the outcome next week.
At the same time, I’ve been fighting a battle with a few kids at school and today was tough as I feel like I’ve finally lost one of those battles. A student who has had a very challenging life so far, and underneath his hard exterior I know there is a lovely bloke waiting to hatch, but he cannot let go of the anger and therefore cannot give himself a chance. I actually had a cry about it today as I feel like I wish I could do more to help him.
I’m battling the usually working mum guilt but increased as I see so many blog posts from wonderful parents who are trying a whole range of different activities with their tiny people. I wish I had time to do these things. I battle with this constantly as I’m a fairly creative person and I would love to flit away my days painting, doodling, creating knitting masterpieces (ahem, this one is definitely a pipe dream) but the reality of living and working and organising my family often tramples all over that idea.
And the worst thing for me is that when I lose control of things in life or when I feel stressed, or like things are moving too quickly I will either react like superwoman and sort everything or…do nothing. Literally, I won’t face the pile of marking, I will leave the dishes, I will ignore the washing, I will ignore my feelings and physical wellbeing. So in the last couple of week…after doing so well for a few weeks…I have put on a massive amount of weight.
I now feel ten times worse…ten times less likely to get motivated when really that’s all I need to do – get moving on all of these different things. Is it wrong to just want to be lazy? To throw a hissy fit? To just want to sleep? But then don’t we feel like failures for not being able to not wanting to keep up?! Argh… it’s a never ending cycle of not feeling good enough.
Ok, rant over, thanks for listening magically people in cyber wonderland! I feel marginally calmer and relaxed…and now it’s time to go to sleep…Yay! Perfect for the lazy bit of me.