Last week was great. Last week was half term and I got to spend so much time with my lovely little man. Last week I got to be a good Mama and a good wife. Last week was last week.
This week, I am none of those things. This week, I left the house 10 minutes after Sprog woke up on Monday morning. This week, I didn’t see him at all Tuesday evening. This week he doesn’t want to know me.
Sprog has always been a bit of a Daddy’s boy but this morning I have full on working Mama guilt as I haven’t seen him much at all this week and he was letting me know that this morning. We had full floods of tears when Daddy wasn’t the one to get him out of bed this morning, when Daddy didn’t come to get him dressed, and when Daddy wasn’t the one to play with him. Mama didn’t get a look in on cuddles, play time, morning routine at all. Mama got pushed away and screamed at.
I can reason and I know that he doesn’t mean it in a nasty way. I know that it is him sticking to what is familiar. But I am the one who wants to cry and hissy fit too. It’s really not my fault that I haven’t been there. Without boring you, I had reports due in for Year 8, Year 9 parents evening and a remote access system that wouldn’t let me in from home over the holiday so no lessons ready to go for Monday morning, hence the early start.
My heart is absolutely breaking this morning. I want him to want and need me in the morning. Not his Daddy, not all the time at least. I am regularly the parent who gets pushed away, the one who he doesn’t want, the one who feels like a sh** parent because of it.
There wasn’t really a point to this post, it was more that I needed to get this off my chest. I’m just feeling awful this morning, a bit like I want to walk out of work and not have to come back. Today is a day that I will feel jealous of all the part-time working Mama’s and SAHM’s out there. If you are one of those lucky people, do me a favour?! Today, have as many hugs with your small people as possible and be thankful that you are with them because today, I’d love to be you.